In many aspects of myself, I’m a first time learner.
But in this single regard, I refuse to be a naivete. Especially because it involves sentiments.

You know how young girls’ head are filled with the sparkly, blooming ideas of how their life are prepared for someone special that would take them by the hand and love them no matter their conditions are?
You know how beautiful ladies are convinced that they are indeed beautiful by the increasing numbers of men who either ask them out, text them consistently, pouring out attentions, or giving bouquets/chocolates/or any not-so-conventional offerings with jaw-dropping values?

I am a girl in the beginning of adulthood and I refused to fall into the same trap.
I never considered myself unattractive but I definitely not one of those lassies who would make heads turn when she passes accross the street.
But the numbers of the men are increasing and I frankly am suprised.
Then I remember…
We humans are nothing but thinking beasts, right. To hell with sacred monogamy concept that this thousand years-old civilization has sculpted into our heads.
It has nothing to do with how physically attractive the women are.
Or how beauty, brain, and behaviour translates into gentlemen courting.
This phenomenon is simply born out of general equation that male beasts are drawn to sexually active females to lay their sperms into.
It is a curtsey to adulthood, an encounter women of early 20s prone to experience.

But this frightens me not, no. I don’t take this as a gender-related threat.

As a dear friend kindly identify, I’m an adrenaline junkie.
Despite my consistent wailing on how unhappy I am with all sorts of trouble imposed on me, I like taking things to the extremes. I would love to play along.

Oh, is this proclivity to outwit men shall not be exclaimed loudly?
Is this supposed to be a secret?
Perhaps, perhaps. But I choose not to make it into one.

That’s why I’m calling this a fair play.



Salmons’ life follows a very specific purpose.

They are born near the river source,
Where their journey once starts and will too end.
They fed and fed and fed until they are grown,
Big enough and strong enough for their voyage to the sea.
Thus they swim freely, carried by the stream,
Out to the open sea.

There, they take into them all the goods things the sea can offer.,
The salt, the minerals, the sun!
Until they are tough and fertile enough,
To pursue their journey back home,
To the river they once belonged.

Against the streams they swim,
Upon the cascades they jump,
To the uphill they direct all their energy!
The longer stops they take the weaker they will be.

So they swam, swam, and swam
Until they reach the river where they were once born onto.
This time, they give offerings to the river
The females their womb and the male their sperms
Intricated, united by the water.

Done with giving ways to new lifes, they give up theirs
The purpose’s all done
Muscles are all strained, vivacity’s all drained
Their bodies floating down the river

Some end up in between the fangs of grizzly bears
Some find their way clamped by the beaks of the birds
Some are stranded on the river banks,
and stay that way for days and days and days
Until they have become one with the soil,
letting the goods from the sea immersed to the trees,
urging the greens grow taller than ever.


I think they led a very noble life.

Traffic Light (11 Dec)

I met this man sometime ago and today was the second time we were let in to his house.

We sat in his brand-new wooden gazebo and was supposed to talk about dyslexia but, you know, life is never about how you want it to be, so suddenly the wind of conversation changed into many directions we could no longer get a grip on. It was fun, though.

He talked of how there are people out there posing out as relationship motivator.
Despite ridiculing the idea at first, he admitted to be fascinated by one piece of advice he ever heard.
That, getting the ‘right’ person should have never been so difficult. Because, it’s all about sending and receiving the same signal. Green and green. Two people wanting to be together in the first place. Not at all about trying to change the red light into green–it will be just a waste of time.Yellow light is not tolerable either, because once the person found his/her green, he/she will surely dispose her yellow.

And I wondered whether that applied too to all things we wanted in life. Moments, jobs, people, places.
I believe it is.

Then I suddenly feel the strong urge to be back home.
I just need to be at home.
Among the people who will accept me regardless condition, time, moment.

On my way back in the train,
Friend of mine asked,
“Why is it you tend to hurt people without you knowing it?”
I answered, of course because I didn’t realise what I did apparently hurt people.
I am aware, though, how I tend to take too much more than I can give–and that’s bad.
I can’t keep those who matters to me. Things that are important to me. And when they’re gone, I don’t struggle. I don’t fight for them. I only feel emptier. Bit by bit.
I also am aware that I am present at the expense of other people.
I know they have to put out greater energy just to have me between them.
It cost them lot.
And I can never pay them back.

I am home now.
It’s just so good to be among people who accept me without expense–my father and brother.
In few weeks ahead I may visit my mother and sister too. Then my grandfather, grandmother, and my cousins–who all live in one roof.
I haven’t been home consecutively for more than a day.
In last two years, I can’t remember a time I visitted home without having specific interest.
I usually came back to take clothes. Or having to meet my friend nearby my house.
This is the first in last two years.
Father made a remark how odd it is for me to come home in the middle of the week, just for a day, without prior notice.
(I texted him an hour before I took the train)

But other than that, he still treated me the same.
Making sure I’m all stuffed. Offering good dine and some well-known local kebab he and my brother happened to take liking lately.
Mundane conversations–which are all good.
Everything’s good.
I’m just so happy to be home.